[Cross-posted from Gay Atheists on Atheist Nexus.]

As a feminist, I think about gender a lot, but not always for the reasons people assume. While I recognize that females have legitimate physical sex differences from males that we must never trivialize, I also cringe when I see how society loves to perpetuate the gender binary. So, what is gender? Here is an excerpt from a very good essay (click link to read the rest):


Survey!

1. What is your gender identity - how you think?

2. What is your gender presentation - how you look?

3. What is your gender performance - how you act?

4. What is your gender role - how you contribute socially?

My answers:

1. Gender Identity - My thoughts feel genderless. From early childhood I used to contemplate how I didn't feel "right" as a girl, but then I knew I wouldn't feel "right" as a boy either ("cuz I hate sports" was my innocent rationale, haha). I saw no gender in others that represented myself, so I did my best to follow whatever path made me happiest. Though there are both straights and gays who identify genderqueer, I feel that my lack of internal gender is a strong contributor to my queersexual orientation. (Yes, I just made that word up. Isn't that special?)

2. Gender Presentation - I look female. I am physically female and have no problem dressing female, since that is an aesthetic that I enjoy, though I wouldn't say I feel compelled to look female. Honestly, I don't feel very compelled to look any particular way at all. I tried wearing makeup in middle school, but I found it boring and useless. I've become even more lazy these days: I shop for mostly black clothes to simplify my options, and most mornings I don't even remember to brush my hair!

3. What is your gender performance - how you act?
Um... well, I really couldn't say. I think that my performance encompasses many masculine traits as well as feminine ones, though probably heavier on the feminine side. IDK, I'd have to ask someone who isn't inside my head. Anyone want to tell me how gendered I act?

4. What is your gender role - how you contribute socially?
This answer is the opposite of #1 (genderless); here I am both genders in full measure. I was in the military, and now I'm doing clerical work while I study business and raise a child. I am all things to all people. ;)

I just read an interesting post on The Mouse Trap blog about the five tribal stages, and as I was reading about each stage [scroll down to read an excerpt summarizing the stages], it made me think of different attitudes towards atheism that I've seen in people I know.  So without further ado, I give you, the Five Stages of Tribal Atheism:

1.  Atheist finds herself in a world dominated by religion (often Christianity or Islam). Shefeels alone and misunderstood and often angry at her circumstances, and seeks out similar people for protection and companionship.

2.  Atheist forms a protectionist bubble around himself (into which only similar-minded people are allowed), from which he can sit and pass judgment on everyone outside it.  He doesn't want to step outside his bubble to enact change, he simply wants the Powers That Be to leave him alone.  [Edit: or as one commenter put it: I know what I think, and f- you all.]

3.  Atheist sets out to struggle with what she sees as the force of opposition.  She prefers to work on her own in this, seeing "winning" each encounter with a theist as a personal goal for herself to achieve.  She is easily disappointed by the perceived lack of competence in other atheists at similar encounters with theists.

4.  Atheist is motivated to join up with other atheists to act as a social force against the religious majority.  He'll often donate his time and money to political organizations focused on separation of church and state, and attempt to motivate less passionate atheists to join his cause.

5.  Atheist sees her atheism as part of the greater good of humanity.  She is less concerned about personal survival or winning against an opponent, but instead focuses on personal fulfillment and communal harmony in a world without any gods.

Which stage(s) do you see yourself in?  Which famous atheists do you think best represent each step?

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Sandy Gautam describes first David Logan's five tribal stages, then his own five:

1. stage 1: Despairing Hostility :“Life sucks”: If people at Stage One had T-shirts, they would read “life sucks,” and what comes out of their mouths support this adage. People at this stage are despairingly hostile, and they band together to get ahead in a violent and unfair world.
2. stage 2: Apathetic Victim: “My life sucks”: People in this cultural stage are passively antagonistic; they cross their arms in judgment yet never really get interested enough to spark any passion. Their laughter is quietly sarcastic and resigned. The Stage Two talk is that they’ve seen it all before and watched it all fail. A person at Stage Two will often try to protect his or her people from the intrusion of management. The mood that results from Stage Two’s theme, “my life sucks,” is a cluster of apathetic victims.
3. stage 3: Lone Warrior: “I’m great (and you’re not)”: People at Stage Three have to win, and for them winning is personal. They’ll outwork and outthink their competitors on an individual basis. The mood that results is a collection of “lone warriors,” wanting help and support and being continually disappointed that others don’t have their ambition or skill. Because they have to do the tough work (remembering that others just aren’t as savvy), their complaint is that they don’t have enough time or competent support.
4. stage 4 : Tribal Pride :“We’re great (and they’re not)”: A “we’re great” tribe always has an adversary— the need for it is hardwired into the DNA of this cultural stage. In fact, the full expression of the theme is “we’re great, and they’re not.” For USC football, the “you’re not” is usually UCLA (and in good years, whichever team is contending for the national championship). For Apple’s operating systems engineers, it’s Microsoft (although this is changing as Apple has moved to using Intel processors). Often, it’s another group within the company. A tribe will seek its own competitor, and the only one who has influence over the target is the Tribal Leader.The rule for Stage Four is this: the bigger the foe, the more powerful the tribe.
5. stage 5 :Innocent Wonderment: “Life is great”: Stage Five’s T-shirt would read “life is great,” and they haven’t been doing illicit substances. Their language revolves around infinite potential and how the group is going to make history—not to beat a competitor, but because doing so will make a global impact. This group’s mood is “innocent wonderment,” with people in competition with what’s possible, not with another tribe.

1. The first stage is pretty much about survival and safety and getting together to outsmart the cruel environment.
2. The second stage is more personal and (non) motivational in nature.
3. The third stage is about accomplishment and has an achievement focus.
4. The fourth is the most tribal with social focus and a visible ‘enemy’ or competitor tribe.
5. The fifth stage has an imaginative and innovative focus.

Go to enough atheist websites and meetup events, and you'll notice something: there sure are a lot of men!  Now people are people, don't get me wrong - atheism isn't a "male thing" or a "female thing".  Making efforts to include women shouldn't be at the exclusion of making men feel welcome too.  On the contrary, the more women we bring into the atheist community, the more people we'll have altogether, and the stronger the community will grow.  Everyone wins!

I read a very insightful list today about how to encourage women in Linux.  I encourage you to read the original, but I'm creating a similar list for atheists.  This is mostly written to a male audience, but it's very applicable to women as well.  Hopefully many of you will find this helpful.

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Don't tell sexist jokes.  Most men I know would say they don't do this.  Some of them don't, but some of them only think they don't.  Ask yourself: if the genders were reversed in this joke, would it still be funny?  If so, then reverse the man with the woman in your joke, and then tell it - it should still be funny.  If not, then you probably should scratch it off your list.

Do protest sexist jokes.  If you hear a joke that doesn't pass the "gender reversal" test, call them out.  Yes, people will say you're just being sensitive or a spoil-sport.  They'll get over it.

Don't call people bitches.  Women do overhear how you talk about other women, and it affects their involvement in the group.

Do show some respect.  The cliche advice is to treat every woman as if she were your sister/mother/grandmother.  Again, women do overhear - if you treat everyone with respect, man and woman, she'll have no cause to stay away.

Don't take the "keyboard" away.  If a woman is trying to find her place in the group, or is asking questions or feeling confused about something, don't take over for her.  Society already sends enough messages to women that they aren't competent enough to do things for themselves.  By avoiding this, you'll be making a positive impact on her decision to keep getting more involved.

Do give directions and explain them clearly.  This shows that she is worth your patience, and that you respect her intelligence.  It will also empower her to have the tools she needs the next time around, so she'll be less likely to need anyone's help.

Don't make sexual advances.  Imagine if you were to walk into a house of worship while wearing an atheist t-shirt.  You'd feel like you constantly have to defend yourself at every turn.  That's no way to relax and feel comfortable and accepted.  Women feel the same way when men make sexual advances: they suddenly have to be on the defense at a time when they're trying to open themselves up to connecting with the community.

Do act friendly.  Most men and women like to have friends of both genders.  Being friendly is a great first step.

Don't complain about the lack of women in atheism.  This isn't to say that you shouldn't bring the topic up.  But don't complain about it: don't whine, don't lament, don't talk about how inconvenienced you are by the gender gap.  Women aren't going to join as a personal favor to you.  Plus, it makes the women who are already there feel like you're expecting them to meet your needs somehow, or that they're being overlooked completely.

Do encourage women in atheism.  Everyone likes some encouragement now and then.

Don't stare when women arrive.  They already feel a bit out of place, this only serves to solidify that feeling.

Do treat new arrivals politely.  This sends the message that not only do they not stick out, but you've been expecting them!

Don't treat women stereotypically.  We're just as diverse as men are in our interests and attitudes.  You won't know what we're really about till you get to know us.

Do treat women as normal people.

Don't criticize too much.  In a world where far too often women are told that they're less competent than men are in male-dominated fields, criticism is less likely to be appreciated at face value.

Do compliment.  Don't invent things to compliment, but try to see the good things people are doing, and show that you notice them.

Don't invite only male speakers.  This is a HUGE issue, one I really ought to place at the top of the list, except that it applies to only 1% of readers.  When you have 9 male speakers and only 1 woman speaker (or worse, none), you're sending out the message that "Atheism is for men."

Do ask women to speak.  Don't say you can't find any women - that means you're not looking hard enough.    At the very least, you could find a few people from within your local community to each give a short 10-minute presentation or story.  This also shows that you care about the grassroots, not just the most popular names in atheism.

Don't make your meeting hard to attend.  Women are more likely in our society to be the primary caretaker of young children.  This need must be addressed if you want women to feel included.  The issue of child care cannot be ignored.  Also, make sure you're not picking too many male-dominated locations (such as sports bars).

Do make meetings easy to attend.  When in doubt, ask your members what works best for most.  Be sure to vary times and places if possible, so that those who work evenings and weekends will still be able to make it to the occasional morning event.

Don't make new people feel unwelcome.  They don't know what to expect, so they'll likely sit along the outside and talk very little.  That can make them seem uninterested, but more likely it's shyness.

Do help new people get involved.  Tell them about all the different ways they can find their niche, and guide them into it.  Help them find a reason to get motivated, and the community will grow.

Don't underestimate girlfriends or wives.  Don't assume that the girlfriend/wife is only coming to meetings because her man is there.  She's not an accessory.

Do treat girlfriends and wives as independent people.  She's here because she wants to be.  She's not just a Mrs. Male Atheist.  She has her own ideas and expectations, and her own desires to fit in.  Respect that she's her own person by asking her questions even if her boyfriend/husband has already given his opinion on the same topic.