Tired of reading rape prevention tips that focus in encouraging women to stay home and lock the doors, or else remember to carry their concealed weapon under their burqa at all times?  Fret no more!  I've been inspired by reading a recent list, Top 9 Ways Christian Teen Girls Can Prevent Rape, and updated it for today's society's diverse needs:

Shame on you, Jane Hoskyn.  Women have been fighting for equality in areas such as publication, and you take advantage of your privileges by kicking us in the shins?  Shame!

Well... maybe the title is misleading.  Maybe this is a feminist pièce de résistance.  Let's begin to work our way through it and see if maybe you got some of them right:

1. When we get whistled at in the street, we feel uncomfortable and we’ll always tut and roll our eyes. But we’re awesomely flattered and we’d be gutted if it stopped.

Oh HELL no!  Woman!  I...  What were you...  Do you have any idea...  AAAARRRGGG!!!  http://www.stopstreetharassment.com/  Read it.  Let it sink in.  Come back and apologize to woman kind for the lie you've told.  Don't worry, we'll be right here waiting.

2. We will never grow out of our fascination with pop stars. A guy can be completely ordinary-looking, but we will fancy him if he’s in a band.

3. We are more likely to fancy a guy if his ex-girlfriends are really pretty.

4. We can be put off a guy by finding out that his ex-girlfriends are a bit ugly.

5. When we look through your Facebook photos, we’re looking to see how pretty or ugly your ex-girlfriends are.

Guys can be ordinary-looking, but he'd better be dating pretty women?  What if she's an ordinary-looking pop star?  Or an ugly but ingenious scientist?  Sigh... decades of women fighting to be judged by our works, and you reduce us all to pretty (or not-so-pretty) faces.

7. Here’s how to make us fall for you. One day, come on to us so strong that we’re a bit weirded out by it. Then totally fail to ring us. We’ll wonder what we did wrong, and we won’t be able to stop thinking about you.

8. The above strategy isn’t foolproof. We may just lose interest. It depends on how much we liked you in the first place. 

9. We often don’t know how much we liked you in the first place. We may have to wait until you don’t phone us. If we’re disappointed, it proves that we fancy you. If we’re not, it proves that we don’t. It’s like when you toss a coin to help you make a decision.

At this point, I get the feeling that you don't have a clue what you want in a date.

10. Stop trying to understand how our minds work. Even we don’t understand how our minds work.

And at this point, I get the feeling that you don't have a clue, period.

18. We say “we’re not manipulative” because we’re really good at being manipulative.

19. We only manipulate your feelings because you manipulated our feelings first.

Hold on, are you trying to fall in love with someone, or are you trying to turn your life into a bad daytime drama?  Because if you think that manipulation is the way it's done, you're Doing It Wrong.

25. We leave our legs unshaven on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.

26. We wear big knickers on a first date so that we won’t end up in bed with you.

This has never worked.  If it works, let's hope you pass on that second date, because the person you're with is way too shallow to have a girlfriend.

29. We suspect that you like our bodies more when we’re carrying a few extra pounds, but we always feel better about ourselves when we lose weight. However we hate that our boobs look deflated, and we’re disgusted by the injustice of it.

Welcome to the patriarchy, enjoy your stay!  Keep in mind that any and all attempts to be a healthier person must be framed as the desire to look thin and boinkable, or else your value as a woman is forfeit.

35. When we’re at a party we clock the sexy girls far quicker than we clock the sexy guys.

36. We find female strippers sexier than male strippers. But that doesn’t mean we want to snog any of them.

37. However we do wish we were gay sometimes, if only to get oral sex from someone who really knows what they’re doing.

There's a word for people who think this way: bisexual.  Straight women notice men, find male strippers sexy, and want oral sex from men.  Also, the only way to get good oral sex is from someone with lots of practice, gender aside.

42. During breakouts we get up at 6am and cover our spots with concealer while you’re sleeping.

43. We don’t want you to stay for breakfast. We want you to leave immediately so that you don’t have time to register how dog-rough we look in the morning.

This is called bait-and-switch.  You sell him one thing, then months down the road he realizes you are an entirely different person.  Resentment results.

48. If you’re not very well endowed, your girlfriend won’t tell her friends. She’s as embarrassed about it as you are. However if you dump her, she’ll tell everyone.

Seriously?  And I bet you'd be thrilled if he told all his friends about how your vulva is shaped!

49. We fake orgasms so that you’ll stop and let us go to sleep.

Sigh...  I'm done here.  Just promise me one thing: that you'll never write again.